There are so many brutal action figures in the world it would be hard to pick just one. Limiting it to figures I’ve owned makes it a little easier, but only a little easier.
I figured there are really 2 categories for me: (1) worst figure when I was a kid, and (2) worst figure as an adult collector.
For the worst figure as a kid I’ve really racked my brain. The first thought that came to my mind was, "What line of toys only required me to get one figure to realize I didn’t want any more?"
Adam Power
(here) was the only figure I bought from the Power Lords, but his arms that bent both ways were pretty cool. Then the Chuck Norris toys came to mind. The Chuck figure I had only kicked backwards
(Here) but he had some cool weapons, and his sidekick
Kimo had a cool side arm feature. Plus they could interact with my Karate Kid figures:
Daniel,
Kreese, and
Mr. Miyagi. These figures blew, but they were fun for a while.
I also had some Captain Power
stuff, but it worked well with my Star Wars and G.I Joe stuff.
So while I had multiple toys I got interested in there are various reasons I lost interest in them. The toy line failed. I didn’t want to be a ninja anymore. They were too expensive. Or whatever other reasons popped up. So even though I didn’t want to think this could be the case it must come from one of my main toy lines: G.I. Joe, He-Man, or Star Wars.
While nothing with He-Man jumps out at me right away I’m sure there is some figure that could make a run at the title. Let’s face it
Zodac wasn’t the greatest figure ever.
And G.I. Joe usually had some functionality to all of their figures. Maybe the
Fridge was a bit of a stretch, but he was HUGE at the time. Hell, he’s still huge.
Golobus was pretty far out there, but it was from the movie which made it ok.
So I guess this leaves me with Star Wars. I think that the vintage figures were great because they offered major figures, or lesser figures with excellent play value. But there were some figures that didn’t really inspire too much awe.
Lobot didn’t have too much to offer as a mute cyborg, but he could act as the Chewie to Lando.
The Gonk Droid didn’t really do much either, but there was always a need for droids in the SW universe. Plus he made that cool clicking sound.
But there is one figure that had no appeal to me as a child. When I opened him, as a gift, all I could think was, “What am I going to do with him?”
General MadineLooks: This figure is based on one of the scariest characters in the SW universe. If one person in the SW universe was a child molester, then it was Madine. He had that crazy hair and dull way of speaking. Which Kenner was able to recreate with the look of this figure. Everything looks pretty good in terms of color, but his hair and beard are off. But at the time he was very much par for the course. 4 out of 5.
Articulation: Again this figure was par for the course at the time. There weren’t any SW figures with better articulation. Only G.I. Joe could beat SW in terms of articulation at the time. 4 out of 5.
Accessories: A POINTER?! I got an action figure and his accessory is a friggin’ pointer. Couldn’t they have at least thrown in a blaster too? You couldn’t even pretend it was a lightsaber because it was white. 0 out of 5.
Coolness: This figure was brutal. There wasn’t any use to him. Admiral Ackbar looked cooler and out ranked him. He wasn’t dressed for Hoth or Endor, so he couldn’t be used there either. His spot in the carrying case was quite secure because he was useless. 0 out of 5.
Overall: 8 out of 20. While it is a fair score it should still be penalized for being such a terrible figure. In an interesting side note, this figure is the most common figure I have come across that people don’t want. He is regularly the lowest priced and most plentiful.
For the worst figure as an adult collector I had just as much trouble, but at least things were a little “fresher” in my mind. Being that I have really only bought Star Wars figures as an adult it narrowed my search.
My first instinct was to blast some of the first figures Hasbro released:
He-Man Luke,
He-Man Lando, and
He-Man Darth. Their weapons sucked, their poses sucked, but they still sucked less than
Monkey-Faced Leia. But there was hope in the line with the release of
C-3PO, and
Boba Fett.
I do have to say that
R5-D4 just missed being my choice. It was play value and a cool paint job that saved him this dishonor.
Then I moved on to Episode I because there was a bevy of brutal figures. The first of which came to mind was
Ody, but at least he’s an alien. Then there was the overload of Anakin’s, Obi’s, Darth Maul’s, and Qui-Gon’s to deal with. But in a moment of clarity it came to me: Jar-Jar Binks.
Now I could easily start Jar-Jar bashing, but that’s not why I selected him. He was an innocent character; in fact it was only in America that he was met with such harsh hatred. And I need to be very specific with my Jar-Jar choice, because the plain Jar-Jar is a nice
figure, although I would have preferred a different accessory.
The Jar-Jar I chose, as worst figure as an adult collector, was
Jar-Jar Binks (Naboo Swamp).
Looks: While the figure doesn’t look too bad it does look exactly like every other Jar-Jar. If he is supposed to be swimming, then perhaps they could have attempted to make him look wet. Why make a swimming Jar-Jar look dry? 1 out of 5.
Articulation: Ankle articulation? Wow the kids are going to go crazy for that! I can’t count the number of times I was playing as a kid and thought, “Gee, this is a fun figure but I wish his ankles moved. It just doesn’t look like he’s REALLY swimming.” Even as an adult collector what are you supposed to do with ankle articulation? If you want him to look like he is swimming then you need him to lay on the ground. If you put him on a figure stand, then the ankle articulation is useless. The rest of the figure only has the standard articulation. 0 out of 5.
Accessories: A fish. I guess those accessories packs sold so poorly that they had to do something with the stock of stupid fish accessories. Just a terrible choice. No accessory would have been a vast improvement over that stupid fish. 0 out of 5.
Coolness: Jar-Jar is not cool. I may not hate him, but he is not cool. There is no reason to buy this figure. There was plenty of Jar-Jar on the market.
Scared Jar-Jar,
Riding Jar-Jar,
Shooting Jar-Jar, and the existence of a perfectly good basic Jar-Jar. There was no reason to buy this figure, he wouldn’t have even been useful as customizing fodder. The sad part was that everyone wanted him. He was released near the end of the line, and was short-packed. This led to him being a very desirable collectible. The fact that people wanted him, and didn’t care what the figure was like I feel only hurts this figure. I’m so glad that I didn’t pay top dollar for him. 1 out of 5.
Overall: 2 out of 20. This figure sucks. Every time I see one over priced it makes me want to punch the seller in the face. The Star Wars universe is filled with amazing characters in amazing environments. Why they made this figure, again, instead of a new figure completely escapes me? Even a General Madine would have been better.