26 replies to this topic

[AlexTheCollector]

I'm-a gonna try and do a redux of the original (though it never made it past chapter 2) with better characterization. But before I start...Hey, Strontium Dog, you wanna be co-authors with me on this?

[Strontium Dog]

Sorry, I done a lot of crazy shit in my life, some of it I'm not proud of, but I always drew the line at fan fiction.

That said, if you really must, here are some general writing tips:

- Keep the same tense. Past tense is certainly best. Don't jump from past to present and back over and over.
- Limit the amount of dialogue. Nobody wants to wade through a ton of speech.
- Spend a bit more time setting the scene. Describe people, places, events in more detail. Don't be in such a damn rush.

This is your first line from before:

One starry night, we see the GoGo B-King meditating on the top of a hill, and he sees a vision in his head.

This is it after improvement:

It was a clear, starry night. Atop the highest hill in the village, B-King meditated, alone. On nights like this he preferred to be as close to the heavens as possible. As the distant night lights shone above, B-King's mind became focused. The vague outline of a figure began to slowly form within his head. This was the vision he had been waiting for.

Have fun!

[AlexTheCollector]

thanks for the tip.

Chapter 1: B-King's Vision

It was a clear, starry night. Atop the highest hill in the village, the one-eyed horned Gogo known as B-King meditated, alone. On nights like this he preferred to be as close to the heavens as possible. As the distant night lights shone above, B-King's mind became focused. The vague outline of a figure began to slowly form within his mind. This was the vision he had been waiting for. The vision showed the figure with his eyes glowing a deep blue, as he rushes towards a group of other shadowed figures and then striking them at their weak points with deadly accuracy. The vision then shows the figure standing over his defeated opponents, his eyes still glowing...B-King then awakens from his vision, his singular eye widening. B-King thinks to himself, "This vision...Could it finally be that HE shall return?" Before any further thoughts, B-King heard a voice shout to him, "Yo, B-King!"

B-King smiled, recognizing the voice, belonging to the eager young Gogo, Mosh, who is friends with practically all of the Gogo's in the village thanks to his super-kindness and the Magic Smile ability. Accompanying Mosh, is the strong Sato, complete with that white star on his face and signature black boxing gloves. In spite of his cocky personality and hot temper, he packs a wicked spinning K.O. Punch. Also with Mosh and Sato is the gray-clad Nasako, who is more sensible than Sato, and his Double Fast Hook is no slouch either. Sometimes Nasako and Sato would get into a argument, much to Mosh's chagrin, and usually gets them to stop fighting with his Magic Smile. "Hello, Mosh, Nasako, and Sato. What brings you three young ones here to this part of the village?", greets B-King. "Well, we'd just thought we'd check up on you, see how you're doing", replied Nasako. "I am fine, but let me tell you three that I've gotten a vision while I was meditating on this very hill", replied the horned Gogo. "So let's hear all about it, old man!", said Sato gruffly. "Very well.", started B-King, "The vision showed a shadowed figure in a Gogo battle, and his eyes glowed blue. The Gogo came to his opponents, and struck them at certain points on their bodies, felling them one-by-one, and he stood triumphant, his eyes still glowing..."

"Wow. Now that sounds like such a vision!", replied an awestruck Mosh. "So what does that vision mean?", asks Nasako. "I have no doubt that he will return...", started B-King in a solemn voice, "...Miro-K." Sato then asks, "Who the heck is Miro-K anyways?"
B-King answers, "Miro-K is the last of the ancient Gogos from the olden times. For hundreds of years, he has lived in isolation, and my vision tells me that he shall return." Nasako scratches his head as he then asks, "Didn't the ancient Gogo's die out?" B-King replies, "That they did, except for Miro-K. He is also a survivalist expert, and it's that expertise in survivalism that kept him alive." Sato then asks, getting into a boxing pose, "Is this Miro-K a great fighter too?" The wise, horned Gogo answers with a smile, "Miro-K is quite the fighter, and his favorite game is Knockout. Plus, he has a unique ability, the Mystic Star Gaze, which grants him unparalleled leadership skills and allows him to find the weaknesses of his opponents!"

"Wow, that's amazing!", gleed Mosh. "Certainly is...past your bedtime, you three", replied B-King. "Good one! Good night, then!", chuckled Sato, as he, Mosh, and Nasako head back to their houses to get their well-deserved rest in their beds.

Chapter End

so, how was that?

Edited by AlexTheCollector, 29 May 2011 - 06:51 PM.

[Toxoviper]

Sorry, I done a lot of crazy shit in my life, some of it I'm not proud of, but I always drew the line at fan fiction.

That said, if you really must, here are some general writing tips:

- Keep the same tense. Past tense is certainly best. Don't jump from past to present and back over and over.
- Limit the amount of dialogue. Nobody wants to wade through a ton of speech.
- Spend a bit more time setting the scene. Describe people, places, events in more detail. Don't be in such a damn rush.

This is your first line from before:



This is it after improvement:



Have fun!

SD I need you to stop making excuses and get in on this Fan Fiction.

[AlexTheCollector]

Hey, don't bully him!

[Toxoviper]

Hey, don't bully him!

Alex I can't just give up this dream.
SD needs to begin work with you on this fan fiction immediately.
We are on a strict time limit to premier.

I know you personally Alex and we both know the Great writing SD brings to this Fan Fiction.

This needs to be done, GoGo's Crazy Bones: Miro-K's Return will Happen.

SD will co-write with you and I will make sure you have uploaded photos.

[Strontium Dog]

There is not a chance I will write any fan fiction, none whatsoever. I don't write for leisure, and if I did, it certainly wouldn't be fan fiction.

[Toxoviper]

Alex , SD is off this project.
Your going to have to pull some all nighters to meet our deadline.
I meet with the board tomorrow morning to discuss our talk show tour.

Thursday I have a filming with the today show on the autobiography of
GoGo's Crazy Bones: Miro-K's Return.

Some of our investors are requesting you tone down the sex & violence.
I think they are wrong but you know how my hands are tied.

[AlexTheCollector]

say, are we pretending this?

[Toxoviper]

say, are we pretending this?

Are we pretending !?
Does GoGo's Crazy Bones: Miro-K's Return sound like something to kid about ?
Me & you Alex will go all the way. I’m talking 4th Base.
We are sitting on a gold mine here. SD doesn’t want in on this money fine.
We will have more Drugs & Women then we know what to do with.

[AlexTheCollector]

hey, Toxo, this is meant to be a fanfic, not a novel!

[Toxoviper]

hey, Toxo, this is meant to be a fanfic, not a novel!

Alex don't you get it ?
This is the Future, this Fanfic will revolutionize how society views works of poetry.
You are taking this art form to a new level.
I see it, the suits see it, we just need you to see it.
Do not let our investors down Alex.
Our stocks are down as Investors are waiting impatiently for a redux.
Do you need a new co-author ? Has another LRG forum member come to your aid ?
Something needs to happen and happen now.
That something is
GoGo's Crazy Bones: Miro-K's Return

[AlexTheCollector]

Chapter 2: A letter from Miro-K!

The next day, every Gogo in the Gogo Village is up and about, doing their thing. Plus, we also see Mosh, Sato, and Nasako on their way to the Gogo's School. They talked as they walked. "Say, do you really think Miro-K's gonna come back?", asks Mosh. "Of course he's gonna come back, whaddya expect?!", snorted Sato. "I doubt it, Sato, the Ancient Gogo's died out centuries ago, and there's no way a survivalist expert could stay alive for hundreds of years", said Nasako. "We'll just have to wait and see", Mosh chuckled as he and the other Gogos arrive at the school, and they took their seats in the classroom.

Coming up towards the chalkboard, is Atori, whose Giga Memory ability gave him a job as the teacher. "Alright, settle down kids", started Atori, "We have a special announcement this morning. We just recieved word that the post office in town recieved a letter, and it is, without a doubt, sent by the great Miro-K himself!" As soon as everyone in the classroom heard it, they got excited, and Atori then took out an air horn, blowing it to stop the excited whooping and hollering from giving him a headache. "Now class, the letter reads;

Dear Descendants,

I am coming out of isolation after several hundred years. Those who believe that I am dead, let me tell you that I'm far from dead, and very much alive! I will arrive in the village tomorrow, and I hope to feel right at home.

Sincerely,

MIRO-K

THE LAST OF THE ANCIENT GOGO'S

AND MASTER OF THE MYSTIC STAR GAZE

PS: I bet my descendants have some amazing abilities up your sleeves!

And that's all there is to it, class.", said Atori as the students make awestruck faces. He chuckled at their reaction, knowing that they'd be eager to see Miro-K in action in a Gogo Battle.

Chapter End

EDIT (7/9/11): It's been a while since I've been here and I don't want Toxoviper to go in over his head over the 'fic and randomly get mad at me. As for a villain, I've got an idea!

Edited by AlexTheCollector, 09 July 2011 - 03:55 PM.

[Toxoviper]

Chapter 2: A letter from Miro-K!

The next day, every Gogo in the Gogo Village is up and about, doing their thing. Plus, we also see Mosh, Sato, and Nasako on their way to the Gogo's School. They talked as they walked. "Say, do you really think Miro-K's gonna come back?", asks Mosh. "Of course he's gonna come back, whaddya expect?!", snorted Sato. "I doubt it, Sato, the Ancient Gogo's died out centuries ago, and there's no way a survivalist expert could stay alive for hundreds of years", said Nasako. "We'll just have to wait and see", Mosh chuckled as he and the other Gogos arrive at the school, and they took their seats in the classroom.

Coming up towards the chalkboard, is Atori, whose Giga Memory ability gave him a job as the teacher. "Alright, settle down kids", started Atori, "We have a special announcement this morning. We just recieved word that the post office in town recieved a letter, and it is, without a doubt, sent by the great Miro-K himself!" As soon as everyone in the classroom heard it, they got excited, and Atori then took out an air horn, blowing it to stop the excited whooping and hollering from giving him a headache. "Now class, the letter reads;

Dear Descendants,

I am coming out of isolation after several hundred years. Those who believe that I am dead, let me tell you that I'm far from dead, and very much alive! I will arrive in the village tomorrow, and I hope to feel right at home.

Sincerely,

MIRO-K

THE LAST OF THE ANCIENT GOGO'S

AND MASTER OF THE MYSTIC STAR GAZE

PS: I bet my descendants have some amazing abilities up your sleeves!

And that's all there is to it, class.", said Atori as the students make awestruck faces. He chuckled at their reaction, knowing that they'd be eager to see Miro-K in action in a Gogo Battle.

Chapter End

Alex this is not going to cut it for a second chapter.
Our audience wants heat, they want passion.

Have you set up a main villain ? A steamy love scene ?

[Toxoviper]

say, are we pretending this?

Alex, I think we need to connect with our core audience.

Chapter 2 should concentrate on Super Rare’s & “thick butt carpetâ€￾.

Maybe Miro-K can be a muscle “thick butt carpetâ€￾ Super Rare.
We have to have original ideas Alex.

Lets change the setting from GoGo village to a McDonalds restroom.
Maybe a bidding war going on in the stall.

[Toxoviper]

Alex you need to continue work on your redux of GoGo's Crazy Bones: Miro-K's Return.

The Fan Fiction portion of the site has collapsed and fallen apart without you.
Your creative writing combined with your self righteous morals of denied self belief of master debating sense of creativity.

That blew the load of your GoGo's Crazy Bones: Miro-K's Return redux.

We need to clean up your mess and get back to work on our goals.

Thanks

[AlexTheCollector]

I got an idea for a villain: Evil Eggy! Yes, Evil Eggy from the old-school New Generation series of Crazy Bones. I'll depict Evil Eggy as an evil, corrupted Gogo sealed away by Miro-K in ancient times!

[Toxoviper]

I got an idea for a villain: Evil Eggy! Yes, Evil Eggy from the old-school New Generation series of Crazy Bones. I'll depict Evil Eggy as an evil, corrupted Gogo sealed away by Miro-K in ancient times!

Can we add Evil School Girl like Witches covered in Eggy to the fanfic ?

[AlexTheCollector]

That bad guy idea's too silly and pervy

[Toxoviper]

That bad guy idea's too silly and pervy

We need the thrills the adventure.

How about Miro-K takes B-Ding to the Toys'R'us Beyblades tournament ?
While there B-Ding meets up with some sexy school-girl like witches and things start getting dirty.

[AlexTheCollector]

Ohh! Very funny, Toxo!

[Toxoviper]

Ohh! Very funny, Toxo!

Don't just laugh start writing !

[AlexTheCollector]

I said, "very funny" in a sarcastic manner, silly!

Chapter 3: Enter Miro-K

The next day, the Gogo's decided to set up a huge picnic for Miro-K when the ancient one shows up in the village. They stitched together the biggest picnic blanket ever devised, which took a team effort. The location for the picnic is the village park. It took ten Gogos to carefully lay down the massive blanket. After that, they then brought in multiple tables borrowed from the school lunchroom with the principal's permission. They also gathered the food supplies from the grocery store; hot dogs, hot dog buns, frozen hamburger patties, hamburger buns, sodas of various flavors, bags of potato chips, ketchup, mustard, onions, lettuce, tomatoes, relish, pickles, ice cream, etc. Plus, they also had to keep the gluttonous Okori from eating it all, and Tsu was given a double extra-large Blue Raspberry-Lemonade Gogo GigaGulp from the convenience store at the gas station so he wouldn't greedily drink all of the picnic soda. They also brought a BBQ grill to the picnic location.

I can't think of anything else beyond this point, yet!

Edited by AlexTheCollector, 19 July 2011 - 03:13 PM.

[Toxoviper]

I said, "very funny" in a sarcastic manner, silly!

Chapter 3: Enter Miro-K

The next day, the Gogo's decided to set up a huge picnic for Miro-K when the ancient one shows up in the village. They stitched together the biggest picnic blanket ever devised, which took a team effort. The location for the picnic is the village park. It took ten Gogos to carefully lay down the massive blanket. After that, they then brought in multiple tables borrowed from the school lunchroom with the principal's permission.

Note: Excuse me for a moment, my mom's making pancakes for breakfast. so I'll finish this chapter later, bye!

What happened to B-Ding getting with the sexy school girl-like witches at the toys'r'us beyblades tournament !?

[AlexTheCollector]

What happened to B-Ding getting with the sexy school girl-like witches at the toys'r'us beyblades tournament !?

No way, man! I ain't adding that kind of scene, I want this story to be for an all-ages audience