Poké-Bashers and Harry Haters

The American Tract Society is a group of Christians who, among other projects, periodically release religious pamphlets. The pamphlets, known as tracts, are meant to be used as a tool to convince non-Christians (or unfaithful Christians) to give the religion a try. The tracts are released for a variety of audiences, but the vast majority of them seem to be aimed toward impressionable children. Using such popular pop culture icons such as The Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, Star Trek, and Who Wants to be a Millionaire, these tracts try to use the franchises' popularity to convince kids that religion is cool. Of course, the pamphlets are corny, making one really question their effectiveness as tools in recruiting potential worshippers. Of course, the ATS has also released a Pokémon tract to get all the monster-catching kiddies out there to go to church. It's a laugh-out-loud read, so I put the text of the tract below.

Kids everywhere love to catch Pokémon and train them to fight. The highly-charged Pikachu, fire-belching Charizard and scrappy Mewtwo battle their competitors for honor and “trainer badges.” They are found along with all the other Pokémon in video games, toys, a movie and everyone's favorite—Pokémon: The Card Game.

{Not just any card game, THE Card Game.}

It's really cool to collect Pokémon, study their strengths, and battle them against rival trainers. Kids try to capture each one to become the “number one Pokémon master in the world”. Playing in the Pokémon world is really fun. It's too bad they're only pretend.

{They are?!}

How awesome it would be to have friends with special powers and strengths way beyond our own!

{Like the Justice League!}

But wait! Have you ever thought about God and all the awesome power he must have? He made the huge oceans, immense solar system and billions of different people, all with his own hands. He even made you.

{Don't you remember what happened to Mewtwo when it found out it that was created by someone else?}

Just like Mewtwo searched for his purpose in life (in the movie), God created you for a specific reason.

{To rebel against your creators and threaten the lives of many?}

There is one thing above all else he wants you to do in your quest. He wants you to meet his son, Jesus.

{So...they didn't capitalize the word "He" in the sentence, so "he" couldn't be referring to God, right? Well, then the author must be referring to Mewtwo. So, placing Mewtwo's name in the place of "he," we get "Mewtwo wants you to meet his son, Jesus."}

Jesus was really powerful too. He healed disease, raised people back to life and calmed violent storms. He's even forgiven tough criminals and gang members and transformed them into nice people. The most awesome thing Jesus ever did was to come back to life. When Jesus chose to die on the cross to pay for our sins, his arch-enemy Satan

{[as cheesy Marvel character] "I will thwart you, Satan! Feel the wrath of the Power Cosmic!"}

thought he could take over the world. But then Jesus rose from the grave with even greater power because death could not hold him. Jesus really beat Satan. Beat him bad.

{He didn't just beat him, he beat him BAD!}

Jesus Christ is the most powerful Master in the universe,

{I thought He-Man was the Master of the Universe...}

and he lives in the hearts of all the people who trust in him. And each time a new person trusts him, his power goes into them! You can have the immense power and love of Jesus living in your heart, too. Your love will be so powerful that you will be able to do great things for God. Like tell other people about Jesus (train them),

{Train them?! They're PEOPLE, not pets!}

and help his army grow even more. Then when you die someday (which everybody does),

{Unless you're on Dragon Ball Z...}

Jesus will take you to heaven to live with him forever. Cool!

{[as valley girl] Mondo cool, man. Like, totally bodacious!}

For Jesus to live in your heart, just tell him you are sorry for the bad things you've done and thought about. Especially those things that hurt other people or their feelings. Those all make God unhappy, but he forgives us when we tell him we believe Jesus died and rose again.

{Yeah, you can do anything you want as long as you come in every now and then and say you're sorry! Go ahead, loot the mall! Steal something from the supermarket! Assassinate a big political figure! Hijack a plane and fly it into a tower! As long as you repent on your deathbed, all will be right with the world!}

Jesus promises to come and live in your heart if you pray a prayer like this:

{"Christianity is the only religion, all others are Satan worshippers." Something like that?}

Dear Jesus, I want you as my true Master. I believe you died and rose again so I could be forgiven and have you live in my heart. Someday I will live with you in heaven for all eternity! Thank you, Jesus! Amen. In the Bible Jesus said: “I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all” (John 10:28-9).

{And there we have it...a piece of religious propaganda taking the Pokémon name and injecting it with tons of unintended Christian morals. Show me the kid who was turned to religion because of this and I'll show you a three dollar bill.}

Edited by Alan Mask, 18 August 2003 - 12:49 PM.

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