Is this a script or story?
Ok, I’ve busted your balls a million times - but I have tried to offer some constructive criticism, and I’m going to say it again. Show don’t tell.Aren’t all pubs in Dublin Irish? It’s redundant, just say it’s a pub but show us the details. Is it full, empty, downtown, in a field, smoky? We need details. Don’t just list either, find creative ways to share the details. And don’t tell us it’s a strange reunion, show us.Inside an Irish pub in the heart of Dublin a strange reunion is about to take place.
How do you know he’s muscular if he’s wearing a large overcoat? Either he’s wearing undersized coat and you can see his muscular build, or the jacket is so large it hides his physique. If it is anywhere in-between it probably fits fine. And what kind of hat-School boy cap, baseball hat, 10-gallon cowboy hat?In the front door walk a muscalar man wearing a large overcoat and hat.
These are the signs of a lazy writer.
You also need to drop names from the conversation. It’s unnatural, unless the goal is to have an unnatural conversation.
I don’t think you’ll be able to take the constructive criticism, but it’s necessary if you’re going to write anything.
Thanx for the CC. I will take what you said and improve on this. If you have any other suggestions or would like to help with this project please feel free to pm me. So everyone look out for an updated and revised first page....oh btw it was meant as a quick non-pictured version of the manga hence the need to identify the talker.
Edited by Neo Muscle, 28 February 2008 - 07:23 AM.
