143 replies to this topic

[Sniper33]

what has the world come to when even Santa is collecting souls?

[Ridureyu]

What do you call an insomniac dyslexic agnostic?


Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.

[AmoiMan]

i love the helen keller jokes!!!

[jkaris]

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating
table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything
inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best;
everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...
those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the
end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he said: "You're all wrong.
Anti-war demonstrators are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts,
no heart, no balls, no brains, no spine and the head & arse are
interchangeable"

[arforbes]

Hahawahaha! That's hilare Johnny!

[peanut_1]

Heh Heh, I liked that one Johnny, very funny

[Imp]

Not a joke per se, but...

Pull my finger

[AmoiMan]

Great, Johnny!

[Rokk]

Oh man! I loved that one, Johnny!

[mimoman]

JKaris steals the show. That's great.

-mimoman

[TheOrgg]

Brian Hester invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Mrs.Hester had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Stephanie, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, Mrs. Hester started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Stephanie, than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote: Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Brian.

Several days later, Brian received a letter from his mother that read:

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you "do" have relations with Stephanie, and I'm not
saying that you "do not" have relations with Stephanie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom

[AmoiMan]

Haha, that's something my mother would do....very crafty <_<

[phillymadison]

Not really a joke teller but i have picked up a few jokes working at the lumber yard so here are two jokes i have no clue how well they will go over or if you heard them but we shall see

Two cannibals are eating a clown
the one cannibal turns to the other and says
"does this taste funny to you"


second joke (sick humor is needed for this one)

A pedophile and a young boy are walking through the woods late at night
The young boy turns to the pedophile and says
"Wow it sure is dark and scary out here"
The pedophile says
"Tell me about it. I have to walk back alone through here"

[jkaris]

A pedophile and a young boy are walking through the woods late at night
The young boy turns to the pedophile and says
"Wow it sure is dark and scary out here"
The pedophile says
"Tell me about it. I have to walk back alone through here"

That is SOOOO wrong. I laughed my arse off. So true.

[gojiman]

Here's a funny piece. I think it's from satirewire.com

Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil", Libya, China, and Syria today announced that they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil", which they said would be more evil than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address.

Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new Axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are just as evil, in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils . . . best at being evil . . ..we're the best."

Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. "They told us it was full," said Syrian president Bashar al-Assad. "An axis can't have more than three countries", explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So,you can only have three, and a secret handshake. Ours is wickedly cool."

International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered. Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what has become a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan and Serbia announced that they had formed the "Axis of Somewhat Evil", forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the "Axis of Occasionally Evil", while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the "Axis of Not So Much Evil Really as Just Generally Disagreeable". With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the "Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics".

Canada, Mexico and Australia formed the "Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Some Nasty Thoughts About America", while Scotland, New Zealand and Spain established the "Axis of Countries That Want Sheep to Wear Lipstick". "That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do", said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.

While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axis, although he rejected the establishment of the "Axis of Countries Whose Names End in 'guay", accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.

Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but privately world leaders said that's only because no one asked them.

[smackman]

Dont get mad at me for this one..

What's black and taps on glass?

A baby in a microwave.

[ironmask]

how do you kill 25 flies with one swat?

punch an ethiopian in the face...

[AmoiMan]

Dont get mad at me for this one..

What's black and taps on glass?

A baby in a microwave.

That's hilarious

[smackman]

A man recently divorced from his wife is sitting at the local bar drowning out his sorrows. He tells the bartender,"Man I am having the worst day of my life. My wife just left me today. She said that I was too kinky." Thats too bad man," said the bartender. As soon as he finished talking the woman next to him said,"You know the same thing happened to me the other day, my boyfriend left me for the same reason. He said that I was too kinky too."
So, the man and woman began talking and realized they had a lot in common."Why don't we go back to my place and have a little fun." said the woman. He agreed with her and they both took a cab back to her house. When they got in the woman said"Why don't I go slip into something more comfortable." When she came back she had a whip and was wearing black leather boots and a leather bra and thong." Are you ready," she said seductively.The man replied," Well, I already effed your dog and crapped on your purse. I'm outta here."

[Ridureyu]

A man recently divorced from his wife is sitting at the local bar drowning out his sorrows. He tells the bartender,"Man I am having the worst day of my life. My wife just left me today. She said that I was too kinky." Thats too bad man," said the bartender. As soon as he finished talking the woman next to him said,"You know the same thing happened to me the other day, my boyfriend left me for the same reason. He said that I was too kinky too."
So, the man and woman began talking and realized they had a lot in common."Why don't we go back to my place and have a little fun." said the woman. He agreed with her and they both took a cab back to her house. When they got in the woman said"Why don't I go slip into something more comfortable." When she came back she had a whip and was wearing black leather boots and a leather bra and thong." Are you ready," she said seductively.The man replied," Well, I already effed your dog and crapped on your purse. I'm outta here."

I hate to say it, but... LOL!

[AmoiMan]

That's sick

[phillymadison]

lol gross lol

[Krangala]

i love the helen keller jokes!!!

Okay, why can't she drive?

BECAUSE SHE'S A WOMAN!

Why can't she have kids?

BECAUSE SHE'S DEAD!

I got a million HK jokes.....those are just two of my favorite.......

here's one more.....

how would her parents punish her if she was REALLY bad?

They'd leave the plunger in the toilet......

[Imp]

Ouch

[Rokk]

how would her parents punish her if she was REALLY bad?

They'd leave the plunger in the toilet......

That was the best one!